News from the Future #1

[Note: this will be an irregular feature showcasing news stories from the world of South, in the America of 2032. Most will be inspired by present-day happenings.]

New Cowboys Stadium to Open
August 12, 2031

Futuristic stadiumDALLAS – After a seven-month construction delay, the eagerly anticipated Jerry Jones Memorial Stadium will open in Grand Prairie on Saturday, August 23.

The $2.4 billion new home for the Dallas Cowboys will be the largest all-skybox sports facility in the world, with 1500 private skyboxes each renting for a minimum of $600,000 a season. Over 80% of the boxes have already been leased.

The stadium will have no general-admission seats.

“The single-ticket market is dead,” says Elvin Jones, Cowboys general manager and grandson of the man whose name is on the stadium. “We provide a premium entertainment experience, but the public just won’t lay out $1000 to bring their families to a game.”

While the Big Jerry (as the stadium has come to be known) bears a Grand Prairie address, it is split exactly in half by the line between Dallas and Tarrant counties. The combined subsidies, infrastructure improvements, and debt service will consume both counties’ entire general funds until at least 2040.

When asked whether public funds should be spent to build a stadium reserved only for those who can afford the price of a Las Colinas mansion to attend six or seven games a year, Jones says, “Absolutely. These are the job creators. If we don’t give them what they want, they’ll move someplace else.”

He points out that Meadowlands 21, the new stadium for the New York Giants and Jets, will boast nearly 2000 skyboxes when it opens next year. “Wish we’d thought a little bigger,” he laments.

The opening ceremonies, featuring appearances by Cowboys players and a performance by the newly expanded, 150-member Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, will be free to the public. The skyboxes will remain off-limits except for a single model unit. Parking fees, normally $500 a day, will be discounted 50%…

2 thoughts on “News from the Future #1

  1. Seeley James Reply

    Those cheap ass counties couldn’t spring for a stadium bigger than NYC? Imagine the humiliation of the Jones family as they face the other team owners!

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